Review #147: The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

This review was originally written in 2021.

Gabe's 100 Bucket List Horror Films Review #2- The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

It's going to be hard to write this review without just gushing for a thousand words. I think this movie is a masterpiece of writing, of execution, of everything- there isn't a thing I would change about this movie if given the opportunity, except the fact that it lost a lot of potential for more of a lasting legacy due to licensing issues. More on that later I guess.

For anyone who hasn't seen this film, GO WATCH IT. Like, seriously. WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. Don't watch trailers (what little good they'd do anyway), don't hem and haw about it, go get a Peacock subscription or rent it on Amazon prime (as of this writing it's free if you do so). Or buy a copy. This movie is a non-stop rollercoaster of horror, of comedy, and just brilliant writing that I can't really overstate.

It's no secret that this movie is a veiled satire of the horror movie industry- with stories of hapless teens punished for their sins being offered up to the "ancient ones" as part of an age-old ritual that varies from culture to culture. But despite this obvious and pointed take as the driving force behind the narrative, THE NARRATIVE IS STILL INCREDIBLE. Like all the best satire, it both exposes and criticizes the subject of its satire, while still being a FANTASTIC example of it! So often a filmmaker will try to satirize a genre but then fail to deliver an enjoyable product; this movie is superb as a movie, and also as a satire. I love it.

The Cabin in the Woods is the kind of film that HEAVILY rewards repeat viewings, with tons of details that make more sense each time you see them, as well as numerous scenes with plenty of things to watch for each go-around. One of the great injustices of human history is that a deal fell through between Lionsgate Films and Valve Software that would have resulted in a Left 4 Dead 2 DLC based around this movie, presumably with players re-enacting the System Purge sequence with their friends online. (And because of mergers and rights changing hands, this sort of deal has become essentially impossible.)

But that only scratches the surface of the potential this film had- the scene in the cellar is a treasure trove of ideas for movies, of ideas for fan-fiction, and even just ideas to think about next time you pop the movie into your player. (What if Dana hadn't read from the journal? What other horrors might have happened instead?) This film truly is the gift that keeps on giving- why oh why couldn't there have been more?!

(A friend of mine had an idea after seeing this film, of what could be done if it were made into a TV show: each season or episode could detail the events of one of the previous years, with another group of college students encountering another unspeakable horror with more and more hiccups that threaten to ruin the ritual. Come on Hollywood, it's money on the table!)

All of the actors do a fantastic job, and the script does its part to let each of them shine. Chris Hemsworth got cast as Thor because of this movie, Fran Kranz delivers one of the most memorable performances in a horror flick I've ever seen, even Anna Hutchison performs her role perfectly for what her character is meant to be. And between each scene of tension, this sublimely-paced thrillride keeps us engaged with laughs and scares and mysteries all around. I seriously think this might be the perfect movie, and it's a shame there couldn't have been more!

So in closing, go watch this movie. Even if you've seen it, go watch it again. You won't be disappointed.

Overall Rating: 10/10 Cursed Relics of the Ancient Gods

My Personal Headcanon: Sigourney Weaver's character, The Director, IS Ellen Ripley from Alien. My supposition is that, thirty years prior, she was a member of one of the rituals, tricked into thinking she was going on a deep-space salvage mission. The old gods were appeased by the deaths of her crewmates, and when she survived, she was offered a choice- join us, or don't. She joined and became part of the system, leaving us where we are today.