Review #204: The Loved Ones (2009)

This review was originally written in 2022.

Gabe's 100 Bucket List Horror Films Review #59: The Loved Ones (2009)

I had a dream a few days ago that I'd already watched this film, but forgot to write a review about it. After having watched it in the waking world, I can confidently say that the version from my dream was NOT accurate to the real movie.

The Loved Ones is an Australian film about a teenage boy who is kidnapped and brutally tortured by a girl who he snubbed for a date to the prom. That's basically it- there's some connective tissue, like the fact that she's done this to many other men in the past, and the fact that the main character's father died in a car crash six months prior (which was, as it turns out, in a roundabout way related to the girl's penchant for kidnapping and brutal torture) but that's the main plot.

First things first, if you're going to go into this movie, you have to know that this is a NASTY film. This is, bar none, the most violent and disturbing film I've watched for this entire bucket list (and yes, that includes the scene in Bone Tomahawk where a man is force-fed his own scalp and then torn in half vertically). The torture depicted in this film is HARD to watch, it's gut-wrenching, it's sickening, and I legitimately feel uncomfortable having watched it. If you want torture porn, this belongs right up there with movies like Hostel. I don't know what I would have done differently if I knew how brutal this was going to be when I watched it, but I wish I had known.

The next thing I'll mention is that while I said there's some connective tissue beyond just the (relatively simple) main plot, most of it goes nowhere. There's a subplot involving the main character's friend and the trashy girl he asked to the dance, and the movie KEEPS going back to this- it probably spends ten minutes over the course of the film on this subplot- and it goes NOWHERE. It has NOTHING to do with the plot. I guess it serves as a bit of a palate cleanser between scenes of gore and torture, but... I dunno, couldn't they have had it be even somewhat related to the plot? At all? And even the stuff that does tie into the plot (like the main character's father having died because of one of the antagonist's prior torture victims) feels really tacked-on and unfinished. Like, the main character was forbidden from driving his own car because he was the one driving when the accident happened. Okay, but what effect does that have on the film? He didn't get kidnapped because he was walking instead of driving, he was kidnapped while he was out sitting on a hill by himself. He eventually steals a car near the end of the film which he uses to escape, but his lack of driving ability doesn't factor in (in fact, he handles the car quite well, all things considered!). It feels like it was intended to be a big part of the plot, but they forgot to work it in so it's just kind of a vestigial plot thread. Also, a big deal was made about one of the girl's previous victims escaping (which, again, ties into the dad's death) but like... what happened to him? If he had been found it would have been VERY obvious who tortured him. And if he wasn't found, how was he not found? He was the cause of a well-publicized car crash that happened like fifty yards from where he was walking. Did he just vanish off the face of the earth?

The characters aren't particularly deep, and the plot is pretty simple, as I've said. This movie was made to be torture porn, and in that regard, I think it succeeded very well. I don't think I'll ever watch it again but it was competently made and it was definitely terrifying.

Overall Rating: 6/10 Syringes Full of Bleach

Best IMDB Trivia: "As all of Lola's previous victims weren't killed, but rather tortured and kept hostage in her basement after they were lobotomized, Lola is technically not a serial killer."