Review #205: Cronos (1993)

This review was originally written in 2022.

Gabe's 100 Bucket List Horror Films Review #60: Cronos (1993)

Cronos is a WEIRD film. It follows an antiques dealer who discovers a strange clockwork device hidden inside a statue in his shop, that when wound, pierces the holder's flesh and grants them some kind of good health, longevity, or possibly immortality. Some aging billionaire is trying to get his hands on the device, but once the protagonist learns what it does, he doesn't want to give it up... until it's too late.

I don't know if I have much to say about this one. I didn't really care for any of the characters (Ron Perlman was a surprise to see in this movie, though I didn't really care for him even), and I didn't really understand why any of them did what they did. Like, obviously the main character realized that the device made him feel younger, stronger, whatever after he used it on himself by accident the first time, but there's a seemingly-poignant moment around the middle point of the film where his granddaughter steals the device and hides it, because she can tell it's having negative effects on him. They have a heart-to-heart over it, likening it to taking cigarettes away from a smoker, but then the immediate next scene the main character is using the device again, and the granddaughter never again seems to try and get him to stop (even accompanying him to go retrieve the instructions on how to use it properly later on). Was there character growth that I just didn't see? Or could they have cut out that heart-to-heart scene entirely without affecting the film?

I also think it's kind of goofy how the explanation of how the device works points out that there's a living creature inside of it (which we'd seen in the interstitial scenes that showed inside the device, I feel like those would have been creepier if they had never been explained) and while it gets asked how such a creature could have survived inside this metal contraption for hundreds of years, the answer is just kind of "Eh, bugs are weird like that lol". Does the supernatural power just come from whatever this bug is? If so, why not just harvest more of those bugs? And if it's not just the bug's sting that makes people into vampires, then what was the point of writing the bug into the story at all? Why not just have it be a mysterious device that makes you into a vampire?

I can tell that whoever made this was really having a good time, but I didn't much care for it.

Overall Rating: 5/10 Empty Crematoriums

Life Lesson Learned From This Movie: If you ever get to a point where you're licking blood off of a men's room floor, you need to rethink your life choices.