Review #313: Witches of the Caribbean (2005)
October 2024 Horror Origins Review #30 - Witches of the Caribbean (2005)
I don't remember much of my first viewing of Witches of the Caribbean, except that we watched it at a point when my wife was obsessed with witch-based media. (I'm almost certain we watched this right after watching Witchouse for the first time, and the fact that the two movies have some serious similarities does not seem like a coincidence.) But over time I forgot almost entirely about this movie, except for one scene where the characters dramatically walk from one side of the beach to the other for like five solid minutes. So I knew I was in for a treat with this one today.
Witches of the Caribbean is about a group of (high schoolers?) who have been brought to a Caribbean island to take part in a (therapy program? research study? boarding school?) because it seems they're all having the same dream, and the professor in charge wants to find out why. Once there, a few of the (students? patients?) secretly take part in a ritual and become witches (or maybe they were already witches and didn't realize it?). The dream they've all been having, of a woman being burned at the stake for witchcraft, is apparently a memory of a past life (I guess?) and all of the teens are descendants of the original settlers of the island. One of them is evil I guess and is trying to resurrect some witch or something and some magic nonsense happens and then I think the day gets saved and then I think everyone forgets everything that happened and then the movie ends.
So, the story of this movie is kind of nonsense, and I'm confused about literally every step, from the first scene to the last. I don't understand what exactly any of these people are here for; the place they're all staying is referred to as a hotel, but at no point in the movie do we see any other guests or any hotel staff- we only see the five or six students plus the professor. So that's weird. Several times there is mention of them being on this island for therapy, but the person in charge is called "professor", and she's clearly doing some kind of study of the island's history and the psychological effects of these dreams or whatever. But it's also said that the teens have been sent there by their parents "as a last resort", so it sounds like some kind of boarding school at the same time. It's absurdly ill-explained despite it being the basic premise of the film.
Next, there's a big reveal at the end when the professor explains that all of the teens are direct descendents of the original settlers- that is, the people seen at the witch burning in the dreams they're all having. (Although, that raises another issue- are they all having the same dream? The movie definitely says so at least once, but only the two female leads ever actually talk about their dreams and the climax very clearly revolves around the two of them with everyone else being superfluous. Also, one of the dudes- Cutter- is seen at his therapy session talking about "blackouts", not about dreams. So, that's another issue that the movie is woefully unclear about. Anyway.) But during the big climax, the professor shows up (in a flash of magic nonsense) and reveals that she is ALSO a descendent of one of the settlers (not sure why she kept it a secret until the climax but whatever), but more specifically, she's a direct descendant of the magistrate (and thus she has the power to stop the witches, I guess). But, the antagonist of the film is a direct descendent of the magistrate's wife. So... did the magistrate and his wife have different descendents? Or does this movie not understand how descendants work?
It's also very, very clear that many of the special effects in this film were not planned ahead of time. There's a scene where the two female leads are laying on the beach, one of them takes out a candle, and passes her hand over it (causing it to spontaneously light, with the flame added in digitally later). I am 100% certain the other lead was told by the director, "Hey, she's going to light this candle, so react like you're not very impressed." And then, in the editing room, the VFX artist got a different memo, so instead of just having the candle light, it also shoots out green sparks and puts on an entire fireworks show six inches in front of the female lead's face. But the actress just shrugs and deadpans, "Yeah, really impressive."
I should also add that this movie is DULL and SLOW. Countless times this movie will have a montage of scenes that just happened- the scene I mentioned earlier with the characters dramatically walking from one side of the beach to the other is interspersed with a montage of quick shots from basically every scene in the film so far, even ones from mere minutes prior, and this is only one of probably six or seven similar montages in its runtime. (I swear we see the same collection of shots from the dream sequences at least ten times, with certain sequences doubling up the same shots over and over.) If you were to institute a rule where this movie couldn't ever re-use footage, I swear, fifteen minutes of its runtime would just vanish. And even then, you could still cut out another twenty or thirty minutes if you cut out spots of dead air or characters walking. A good editor could cut this movie's runtime in half without losing anything of value (though whether even the remaining 45 minutes would have value, is up for debate).
I really want to find something good to say about Witches of the Caribbean, but the only thing I can muster is that (VFX aside) it looks really good. The lighting is good, the locations are pretty good, and most of the shot composition is good. It's just that the story is incredibly muddled and what little about it I understood, is uninteresting and it takes way too long for how little substance it has.
If you really want a movie about witches that's trying to crib the success of the Pirates of the Caribbean series, I guess this is your movie. But be warned, it's pretty terrible.
Overall Rating: 3/10 Not-So Spooky Lighthouses
Nostalgic Rating: 5/10 Chekhov's Amulets
Buy It Now: Right now, as I write this review, there is a listing on Ebay for a factory sealed copy of this movie on the oh-so-popular UMD format for only $13! That's right- if you want a mint-condition copy of this film that can only be viewed on a Sony PSP in its illustrious 480x272 resolution, then you better hurry up and bid!
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