Review #45: I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House (2016)


This review was originally written in October 2017.

Horror Movie October day 17: I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House

Tonight, I watched this movie on Netflix. It sounded interesting, and had some good ratings. Sounds good, right?

I found this movie incredibly hard to watch. First and foremost, it's slow as molasses. It's saying something when a ninety-minute movie can be summed up in its entirety (darn near every single plot point, each and every scene) in four paragraphs, as it was on the Wikipedia synopsis. Not only is the movie's pacing slow, but it begins and ends with a narration/monologue from the main character, who I swear has a good second and a half between each and every word she says. I felt like her voice was being slowed down, or maybe the director told her that she was getting paid hourly until she finished her monologue, so she decided to milk the clock for all it was worth.

Second, I found the story hard to follow as well. (Spoilers ahead.) When was the last time a character in fiction was scared to death? If your answer was "1975" then you're probably in the right ballpark. Yet that's how this movie ends. (I say "ends" but by "ends" I mean "this happens fifteen minutes before the credits roll because the director found a way to while away fifteen whole minutes to get across something that would take one sentence in a synopsis".) It was so bizarre that when it happened (coupled with the fact that the character in question is still shown walking around- slowly, as with everything else in the movie- after this apparent death) I legitimately didn't understand what I had just seen. It was at this point I looked it up on Wikipedia (and read the synopsis I keep referring to) in order to see if I missed something.

I see what this movie is going for, and it's a half-decent idea, but only half. And it's been done, numerous times. In far fewer scenes and with much more substance to keep you interested. I feel like this movie does nothing new, and the well-trodden ground it covers could have been covered in half the time, including an intermission.

Final Rating: 3/10 Blueberry Stains

What I'd Rather Be Watching: I Downloaded A Ghost

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