Review #326: Santa's Slay (2005)

The Twelve Slays of Christmas #12 - Santa's Slay (2005)

Watch it here on YouTube! [This video starts off with an ad for the uploader's Gofundme; it was the only free version I could find online, though this movie is also streamable with a subscription on multiple premium platforms.]

Here we are, Merry Christmas everyone! It's been a roller coaster of a year, but we made it. I hope you're all safe and happy and comfortable, wherever you are. To celebrate the occasion, I bring to you a review of my all-time favorite Christmas Horror movie, and I hope you come out thinking of it the same way.

Santa's Slay follows a teenager named Nicolas Yuleson who lives with his kooky inventor grandpa. His grandfather has never liked Christmas, and we find out why- he knows that Christmas wasn't always a time for joy. Until a thousand years ago, Santa Claus wasn't the jolly gift-giver we think of him as- he was the literal son of Satan, and spent one day every year spreading death and terror across the globe. Until one year, an angel took human form and challenged him to a game of Curling (shown in an adorable Rankin/Bass-style animated segment)- Santa lost, and as a result of their wager, had to spend one thousand years spreading joy and gifts to children everywhere. Well, those thousand years have ended, and Santa's back to his old self- and he's pissed.

I can't go one more word without saying this movie is SO MUCH FUN. Of course it is a horror movie and there's some gore in it, but it's incredibly light-hearted and most of the violence is so cartoonish in nature I can't imagine anyone being scared watching this. Santa is played by wrestler Bill Goldberg, and he performs several signature wrestling moves throughout the film (and there are numerous one-liners and catch phrases scattered throughout, certain to entertain wrestling fans and normies alike) and he wears a wrestling championship belt with Santa's face on it. All of the action is over-the-top and hilarious, there are TONS of easter eggs if you watch the background, and the story and characters are a delight from beginning to end. Yes it's cheesy, yes it's silly, but again, I love this film and it was like snuggling up in a warm blanket watching it for the first time in probably ten years.

(Also, fun fact: Bill Goldberg met his wife, Wanda Ferraton, while filming this movie. She played a stripper in the Strip Joint scene and Goldberg spent two days of filming with his face in her crotch. And they're still married to this day! And allegedly she only signed up for the movie in the first place because she mistakenly thought it was starring Jeff Goldblum. You can't make this stuff up!) 

Now, of course it needs to be said: the movie isn't perfect. It's very much "of its time" in that there's a lot of language and jokes that shouldn't have been in there (a couple homophobic and ableist slurs, for example) and some of the jokes just don't land like they should. There's also a few things that get hinted at in the story that don't go anywhere, but really should have been expanded on (like how Santa seemed hurt or hindered by the deli owner's Star of David light, as if that was his weakness or something) but even with these shortcomings the movie is still definitely worth watching to this day.

There's something in this movie for everyone, and it's just plain FUN! Go watch Santa's Slay right now! And next Christmas, watch it again!

Overall Rating: 10/10 Holiday Hoagies

Crazy Credits: The credits of this film serve as Santa's List, with a "Naughty" or "Nice" indicator beside every single person in the cast and crew. Santa's Helldeer is also listed in the credits, played by two bison- Ronnie and Apache- both of whom are listed as "Naughty" (and we're shown some outtakes which explain the reason why)!